


Strategic Honeymoon

by Merwin_Me



Series: The Argent-Stilinski Household [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Honeymoon, Honeymoon gone wild, Humor, M/M, SHIELD, Sheriff Stilinski's Name is Noah, Stilinski Family Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-24 00:54:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12001533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merwin_Me/pseuds/Merwin_Me
Summary: “Chris, darling, you wouldn’t happen to know why Tony Stark is attempting to strangle our son, would you?”“I suppose it has something to do with the fact that our coffee stash has recently gotten some very expensive additions.”The newlyweds continued drinking from their mugs of deliciously expensive coffee as they watched Stiles get chased down by a clearly caffeine-deprived Stark, with an exasperated Pepper Potts standing to the side and talking to Peter about something or the other. Hopefully not world domination.“Noah, why is our daughter shooting at Stark with a Nerf gun?”“Something about free entertainment with her target practice.”“Ah. Makes sense.”“It really doesn’t, dear. It really doesn’t.”





	Strategic Honeymoon

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Стратегический медовый месяц (Strategic Honeymoon)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13374465) by [Sulamen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sulamen/pseuds/Sulamen)



“ _And as we follow the many investigations and removal of debris on the ground in Manhattan, we are left to wonder what happened to the Good Samaritans. As you will undoubtedly know by now, during the attack from outer space a few days ago, we managed to catch footage of not only the group who are calling themselves the Avengers fighting off the threat, but we also captured images of two unknown male individuals using what seemed to be high-powered rifles from the eight floor window of one of Manhattan’s most exclusive hotels. Requests for their identities by us and by several federal agencies have been denied by the hotel’s staff. While the agencies are calling for the arrests of these unknown individuals, we can’t help but applaud them for their heroic actions during the Battle of New York that are proven to have saved the lives of many, allowing innocent civilians to get to safety in time as these men provided cover. If you happen to be watching, we at WHiH World News thank you for your heroic actions and wish you all the best. This was Christine Everhart, reporting the latest news on the Battle of New York. Tune in at—_ ”

 

“Ah, I was enjoying that.” Noah only barely managed not to let his grin show, shrugging lightly when the blandly clothed agent sent him a scowl after having shut off the TV, before the agent left the room again.

 

Shrugging a little to relieve the minor tension in his shoulders, Noah turned his body as much as he could with his hands cuffed to a rail attached to the fancy conference table, so that he could look at his stone-faced husband.

 

“This is exciting, I’ve never been kidnapped by a federal agency before! What about you?” So far, both Chris and Noah had managed to refrain from mentioning their names or mentioning their relationship with each other, just until they could make some sort of plan and at least make contact with their kids.

 

“No, they normally set up meetings and shake my hand too many times.”

 

Before Noah could respond, the thick doors of the conference room slash interrogation room opened again to show a slightly beaten up female agent, a leather-clad scowling man with an eye patch and what seemed to be most of the Avengers, notably absent being the giant green rage monster.

 

“State your names.” Eye patch man was clearly in charge.

 

“State our crimes.” Noah cheerfully responded, causing the lot of them to frown at him, with the American flag looking a lot like his disappointed mother.

 

Eye patch wasn’t amused.

 

“You used high-powered rifles to take down several dozen extraterrestrial beings, were caught in the possession of one handgun, two army regulation knives and a tazer with enough wattage to power this damn ship. _Each_. You are under arrest for possession of illegal firearms, the firing of those illegal firearms, endangering and taking lives, and now obstruction of justice.”

 

An impressive list indeed. American flag’s eyebrows had joined in on the disappointed look, proving to be nearly as expressive as Derek Hale’s main method of conversation.

 

“And here I thought we saved lives. Apparently that’s illegal now.” Chris grinned at Noah’s amused words, making the agents frowns deeper and cause eye patch to look slightly murderous. Chris decided to take over for a second, before the angry pirate tried to strangle his husband.

 

“You say we’ve been arrested, but we have not been read our rights, nor allowed our phone call, nor have our credentials been checked, nor do you have our identities, which means you don’t have arrest warrants for us either. You could call probable cause,” Chris interrupted the female agent before she could speak up, “but I’d return with the fact that you have done exactly no effort to go through the proper procedures. We’d like our phone call.”

 

Eye patch looked like he was about to blow, but allowed the female agent to pull a phone from her pocket and slide it across the table to them, only just close enough to grab. Definitely not loosening their restraints to allow them to hold the phone to their ears, so that would have to call for speaker phone to be on.

 

“One. You only get one phone call. It better be to your lawyer.”

 

It was not going to be to their lawyer. Well, for the most part.

 

Tapping in a sequence of memorized numbers, Chris hit the speaker button and slid the phone until it lay in between him and Noah. After three notes, the call was picked up.

 

“ _Who is this_?”

 

“Encryption code Fucking Hell,” Stark—who was apparently an Avenger and Chris really did _not_ want to ask how that came about—snorted, “no names, no relationships.”

 

“ _Huh. And here I was kidding when I wrote up that code. Line has been encrypted, they won’t be able to trace this call. Can I assume we are on speaker_?”

 

“Yes you are.” Eye patch interrupted rudely. “State your name for the record, or I will be ending this call immediately.”

 

“ _He can’t_ ,” the sweet, lovely voice of Peter took over from Stiles, _“that would be grossly illegal and open them up for years of lawsuits. How did you two manage to get in this situation?_ ”

 

“ _Dude_ ,” Stiles broke in again, “ _you saw the news about the Good Samaritans, right? Even you must be able to make a couple of easy deductions_.”

 

“ _Rude. Either way, we’ve got your location and are en route. As your lawyer_ ,” Chris grinned with teeth showing at the look of irritation on eye patch’s face and the signs of frustrated resignation the female agent was showing, “ _I do suggest you state your names, occupations and license numbers, just to make them realize they’re hanging themselves with their own rope. Keep the line open though, one of us will be listening. As_ ,” even over the phone, Peter was excellent at judging when someone was about to make a remark he could easily rebuff, “ _their lawyer, I can just as easily revoke your right to speak to them until I have arrived, just as I can drag on this process for a lot longer than necessary._ ”

 

“ _A road trip does sound nice._ ” Stiles gleefully chimed in again.

 

“Thank you,” Noah interrupted before his son went off on a tangent about what locations he would visit, why, in what order and what reviews he read about the local restaurants, “but it won’t be necessary, will it, pirate?”

 

Stark was choking on not so silent giggles. America’s flag was drooping in disappointment and a bit of very reluctant amusement.

 

“That is Director Fury to you, and I—”

 

“ _It has a name_!” Stiles cheerfully interrupted. “ _SHIELD? Honestly, I’m not sure whether to congratulate you on getting picked up by SHIELD, or admonish you for getting picked up by the most non-secret secret agency. Well, besides the FBI. Remember Mexico? Boy, their attempts at covering up a giant killer robot attacking a weird dude in a tiny town after a magical hammer dropped to earth were appalling and frankly just insulting everyone’s intelligence_!”

 

Noah coughed a little, making Stiles trail off sheepishly even as Noah was clearly enjoying the non too happy faces of the present agents. It wasn’t like Stiles was lying, SHIELD was very visible at times for a secret agency.

 

“Let’s get on with this, I want to get back to the hotel and get back to our honeymoon.”

 

Even Fury looked surprised, and Chris’ abrupt revelation knocked the disappointment off of American flag’s face immediately to make place for pure shock.

 

“I’m Noah Stilinski.” Noah took over, kindly pausing for a minute to let the female agent pull out a tablet and search the name. “I live in Beacon Hills, small town in North Carolina. And I just so happen to be the local Sheriff. I have a license for a couple of handguns—including the one I was carrying—a rifle, a high-powered rifle, two shotguns, properly sheathed knives—one from my army days, one as a present—and the tazer is legal even if it could probably power a 747 as my deputy likes to say. I am even allowed to own several flash grenades.”

 

The sour look on female agent’s face and the nod she send to Fury told Noah that the licenses had all been found.

 

“My name is Christoper Argent, I—”

 

“Wait,” Stark promptly interrupted, leaning forward with recognition in his eyes, “I know that name. The Argent name is big in the weapon business. You sell to government agencies, don’t you?”

 

“And police departments, correct.” ‘And thank you for confirming that for me, Stark’ went unsaid but definitely not unheard.

 

“I’m licensed to own and carry more than Noah. So that’s those charges done with. Now what were the others?”

 

By the time Peter got there, having dropped Stiles and Allison off at the hotel first, Chris and Noah had managed to wrangle written apologies out of the Director and Chris had bullied an autograph off of the bemused agent that was also known as Hawkeye. Noah had gone straight for the Doctor who apparently turned into the previously mentioned giant green rage monster, making the wild guess that he would be Stiles’ favorite.

 

Aside from probably the actual God of Thunder, but Noah didn’t think it was polite to ask the Asgardian to sign an autograph on behalf of his biceps.

 

And just because he was there already and because he could, Peter promised not to slap the agency with a giant lawsuit if they made a formal apology on the WHiH World News channel, in person, and at prime time.

 

——

 

“I wouldn’t go in there if I were you, Cap.”

 

Steve Rogers looked away from where he had been contemplating going into this KFC place, Stark having recommended it with a slight giggle, and took in the young man standing besides him bouncing on the balls of his feet. Moles were dotted all over his face and neck, disappearing down his shirt and reappearing on his bare arms. Honey brown eyes looked him over curiously for a minute, before the boy’s eyes returned to his face.

 

Alerting Steve to the fact that he had forgotten to respond.

 

“Why wouldn’t I? Tony recommended it.”

 

The corners of the boy’s eyes crinkled in amusement at that.

 

“Tony Stark? Yea, he was taking the piss. KFC is fast-food, over-processed crap with really soggy fries. Considering the papers written about your metabolism, you’d nearly have to eat them out of business to get all the nutrients you need. It’s unhealthy crap, basically. If you want to go unhealthy and delicious, at least get a pizza instead of _KFC_.”

 

That was one thing Steve had read up on as much as he could the moment he got his new serum created body; his metabolism and food intake. For a couple of weeks after his transformation, he had felt extremely tired and weak, until one doctor eventually noticed he was still eating the same amounts as he had when he had been little. After that, Steve made sure he knew exactly how much he needed to stay in top shape, in the hopes of eventually getting to go in the field and actively participate in the war.

 

Instead of parading around like a showgirl.

 

But this meant that he was aware over-processed food wouldn’t be able to fill him. Something which Tony undoubtedly knew. Taking the piss, indeed.

 

“What would you recommend then? Are you a native?”

 

“Native? Oh, a New Yorker? Nah, I’m from North Cal. But I’d recommend the curry place a block away. It comes highly recommended and their spice levels are off the charts. Everything is created from fresh produce though, and they use only high quality meats.”

 

A couple of things happened over the next couple of hours.

 

The first being that Steve ended up going to the curry place with the boy—one of the few people not clamoring for his attention, an autograph or a photograph—learning his name was ‘Stiles’, and exchanging phone numbers with the boy.

 

The second being that he got a clear and concise report on modern day technology, why he shouldn’t get an Apple product but stick to Stark phones or Android systems—whatever that meant, no wait, Stiles explained _that_ as well—and the mysterious phenomena that were Social Media and people’s need to take pictures of their food and post it on said Social Media.

 

During the course of their meal, Stiles set up an Instagram and a Twitter account, explaining what Facebook was and giving very detailed pro and cons over using it that Steve didn’t dare even touch it with a pole. Steve now had an official Instagram account that was soon to be filled with food pictures, some oddly angled attempts at selfies, and pictures of everything that was new and either weird or fascinating to him.

 

He used the Twitter follow system to look at what other people posted. Poor Steve had no idea that he would become a sensation the moment he called the Rock’s training schedule ‘weak’ and showed a picture of him bench-pressing a bench-press. Tony’s idea.

 

The third thing that happened was that Steve learned the ever so important lesson of curry. It is delicious and you might be able to handle the heat, but first timer intestines are going to protest vehemently against your choice to pick the hottest thing on the menu.

 

Steve had no regrets, the curry had been delicious, but dear lord did he not know his stomach could twist and turn like that.

 

——

 

_Tony Stark sent Stiles a friend request._

 

Stiles paused what he was doing when that notification popped up on his phone screen. Before he could ponder what was going on and who was playing a prank on him, another notification made his phone ping once more.

 

_Stiles added Tony Stark to his friends._

 

Okay. That was…unexpected.

 

_Tony Stark has sent Stiles a message_

_[Picture attached]_

 

Apparently, Stiles was now the proud owner of a picture of Captain America turning green at the smell of a full pot of coffee in front of him.

 

_[Picture attached]_

 

And a picture of Captain America vomiting in a bucket.

 

_[Picture attached]_

 

And a picture of Tony Stark taking a selfie with a darkly scowling, green-tinged Captain America in the background.

 

_Tony Stark: I love your work. Become my minion._

 

Oh for Christ’s sake.

 

They should have just stayed in Beacon Hills.

 

“Well,” Chris mused from where he was looking over Stiles’ shoulder, “at least it’s no longer Noah and I attracting trouble.”

 

“You got arrested by SHIELD on your honeymoon, papa.” Stiles shot back immediately, even as he started typing back a message. “You’re definitely still ahead on the New York Trouble scale.”

 

_Stiles: No. Nope. Not happening. I’m telling Steve you’re planning to put those pictures online._

 

“But you did make a scale.”

 

“I always make a scale. And graphs. And crime boards. You’re still ahead by a mile on all of them.”

 

“He does.” Noah chimed in from where he was looking through information on local restaurants he and Chris could go to tonight. “They’ve been proven 98% accurate even.”

 

“The one time Jackson is a killer lizard instead of creeper Matt. _One time_.”

 

“Still counts, kiddo.”

 

_Tony Stark: Thanks kid, I just had to listen to a lecture a la Capsicle Special._

 

_Stiles: Be nice to the guy, I taught him that hiding the alcohol and coffee is always a viable retaliation._

 

_Tony Stark: You are evil. I like it!_

 

——

 

_Tony Stark: My coffee is gone. Where’s my coffee?!_

 

_Stiles: Told ya. Steve told me to tell you to grovel. I also taught him how to work the video function for blackmail purposes._

 

_Tony Stark: You are truly evil._

 

_Stiles: Guilty as charged._

 

——

 

_Tony Stark: Wait, you’re related to that Stilinski guy SHIELD arrested?_

 

_Stiles: …He’s literally listed as my dad on my Facebook profile._

 

_Tony Stark: Does Steve know Literal Evil is related to a criminal?_

 

_Stiles: Charges were dropped, and my dad’s a sheriff, Stark. But yes, I told him over curry._

 

_Tony Stark: And he didn’t tell the rest of us?!_

 

_Stiles: Must be payback for something, ey? And when did I become Literal Evil?_

 

_Tony Stark: When you stole my coffee._

 

_Stiles: Oh boy, it’s still gone, isn’t it? Poor baby._

 

_Tony Stark: J.A.R.V.I.S detected condescension and sarcasm, and neither is appreciated._

 

——

 

_Tony Stark: HE GAVE YOU ALL MY COFFEE!_

 

_Stiles: Dammit Steve!_

 

——

 

“Chris, darling, you wouldn’t happen to know why Tony Stark is attempting to strangle our son, would you?”

 

“I suppose it has something to do with the fact that our coffee stash has recently gotten some very expensive additions.”

 

The newlyweds continued drinking from their mugs of deliciously expensive coffee as they watched Stiles get chased down by a clearly caffeine-deprived Stark, with an exasperated Pepper Potts standing to the side and talking to Peter about something or the other. Hopefully not world domination.

 

“Noah, why is our daughter shooting at Stark with a Nerf gun?”

 

“Something about free entertainment with her target practice.”

 

“Ah. Makes sense.”

 

“It really doesn’t, dear. It _really_ doesn’t.”

 

——

 

While Stiles, Peter and Allison might have gone off to New York the moment they realized the newlyweds had been arrested, they had made sure to book a room not near their floor and to stay out of their way unless the two men asked them to be there. After all, it was still their honeymoon, and they ought to be able to enjoy it.

 

Even if they did end up being tailed by SHIELD agents more days then not, but Chris and Noah had quickly learned to give them the slip.

 

Stiles and Allison had also gotten tails ever since SHIELD found out they were the Good Samaritans children, but while their fathers just used evasive maneuvers and back alleys like pros, the two kids were slightly less polite in the manner in which they made the agents return to base.

 

The first couple of agents were considered the lucky ones, having gotten away covered in paint and glitter from traps the two had somehow had the time to set.

 

The next couple of agents weren’t so lucky. Agent Smith and Agent Wesley were led to a warehouse that ended up being a BDSM club, Stiles and Allison disappearing through the back door after a hushed conversation with a security guard, a conversation that caused the man to frown at the agents. Before they could follow the kids, the agents were smothered by pretend admirers, causing them to only be able to leave after a full ten minutes, obviously having lost any trail of the two by then.

 

They returned to base covered in hickeys, Agent Wesley wearing a studded collar that was locked and needed a key he did not have, and Agent Smith had somehow had his shirt traded out for a fishnet shirt and a pink dildo sticking out of his back pocket—which explained the indignant exclamations from passersby he had gotten on his way to base.

 

Agent McKenzie returned with a bite wound to his leg, ending up needing a tetanus shot. He had been led to an illegal dog fighting ring, having somehow landed in the middle of the pit. His back-up was prompt and took care of the ring, so that was a win for law enforcement, but he lost the brats.

 

Agent Monroe ended up at the entrance of a biker bar that was under SHIELD surveillance for suspicions of being run by the Ukrainians—not even the Ukrainian mafia, just terrifying _Ukrainians_ —being denied entrance even as she watched the brats being welcomed with smiles, a hug and an exchange of cards.

 

A request for the brats’ contact details had gotten Agent Monroe the evil eye from the security guard, before the man told her in heavily accented English that ‘an Ukrainian child could run better surveillance than your people on the other side of the street’.

 

Eventually, the Brats—by now capitalized just like their parents media given title—pranked so many agents that no one wanted to take that job anymore.

 

Which was how it eventually ended up in the laps of Barton and Romanov.

 

——

 

“This is cute.” Stiles muttered the moment he saw just who were following him that day. “They sent in two Avengers just for little old moi.”

 

“And your sister, of course.”

 

“Who you already lost.” Stiles deadpanned.

 

“It doesn’t count as losing her if she never showed up in the first place.” Clint countered cheerfully.

 

Romanov hadn’t yet spoken a word, seeming to be uninterested by the assignment.

 

“I’ll give you that. But you two did choose a truly boring day to follow me around. Or a really stupid day, take your pick.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Dad and papa are being interviewed by the WHiH.”

 

“Oh for fucks sake, why day, why?!”

 

Hawkeye violently cursing at the sky and even shaking his fist a little had to be the best thing Stiles had seen in _days_.

 

——

 

“This has been the highlights of today’s news here at WHiH, but don’t tune out just yet!” Christine Everhart truly was a television presence, knowing just the right ways to keep her viewers interested and tuned in, using her talents and popularity right not for the much hoped for interview she was about to share with the rest of the world. “As I mentioned before the show, I have some very special guests with me tonight. They have officially been cleared by the authorities and will soon be meeting with the mayor who wishes to thank them, and they have graciously allowed me to interview them for the first time here in the studio, on live television. Please let me introduce you to Christopher and Noah, known to all of us as the Good Samaritans.”

 

Across America, viewers sat up a bit straighter in their chairs, with Derek Hale choking on his beer as he watched the sheriff and the Hunter walk into view of the cameras.

 

“Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Christoper, Noah.”

 

“Thank you for having us.” Noah smiled as he answered, taking a seat besides his husband.

 

“Now, just to clarify for our viewers, Christopher and Noah have requested for their last names to be left out, but other than that, they are willing to answer our questions.”

 

Christine shot a short, questioning look at the two of them, and they gave her a nod, announcing they were ready to start the interview. Out of view of the camera, Stiles and Allison were grinning at their dad and papa, giving them a thumbs up, not caring that Christine was giving them considering looks as well.

 

“As we followed the events of the Battle of New York,” Christine started her interview by weaving a short story of the events, “there were many things that caught our attention, aside from the group that call themselves the Avengers. There were acts of heroics going on everywhere down on the grounds, police rushing to save civilians against a force they had not ever encountered before. But your actions caught our attention in a slightly different matter. A camera crew of ours had been held up near an alley, cornered by a few of these Chitauri aliens, when the aliens were shot from seemingly nowhere. Immediately, after rushing to safety, they started to look for whoever saved them, to be able to thank them later. When they got an angle on your hotel, however, they noticed that they were not the only ones being saved by the both of you. They watched—and filmed—as you saved a police patrol, gave cover to some brave firemen and paved a safe way for civilians to leave the danger zone. So on behalf of everyone you saved and protected, I wish to thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

 

Both Chris and Noah were flushing a little, with Noah actually rubbing the back of his head in an unconscious move. They accepted their thanks with mentioning how they couldn’t just do nothing, especially when they had the capability to do something.

 

“One of our viewers,” Christine spoke up again after a couple of questions, “was wondering why the two of you were in New York that week, how you two came to be traveling together.”

 

Chris and Noah exchanged soft smiles, and in unison they curled fingers through the other’s until their held hands were laying gently on the tabletop. One cameraman immediately focused his camera on that action, while another was aimed at Christine’s softly surprised look.

 

“Chris and I are on our honeymoon.” Noah’s eyes were practically shooting hearts at his husband, causing Chris to gently squeeze his husband’s hand and smile. “We had been in New York for a couple of days before the attack happened. Of course, after the attack was warded off, our kids came down to join us for a bit,” and suddenly Christine knew who the two teens in the back of the studio were, “but this last week we have been able to enjoy a fair bit more of our honeymoon after the authorities cleared us.”

 

“Well, let me be the one to congratulate you on your marriage on behalf of the WHiH.” Christine’s honest, non-scripted comment and the smile that made the corners of her eyes crinkle unexpectedly nailed her a written story about the accounts of the Good Samaritans’ actions during the Battle of New York, written by both Noah and Chris with help of their kids.

 

They ended up having to order copies when the first print sold out faster than any before.

 

——

 

“You lost the brats?! _How did you lose the brats!_ You were in the damned studio with them!”

 

“Uh, yeah,” Barton rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, “they apparently slipped out during the commotion.”

 

Commotion caused by the fact that the Brats, because Fury had definitely forgotten to articulate the upper case, had talked to a producer and pointed out Barton and Romanov, who were then immediately set upon by overly excited shark-like reporters. It was no wonder that they had lost the two in the sea of reporters, cameras and producers flitting around them.

 

Though the most condescending part had to be when Noah Stilinski patted Barton on the head and mentioned that better men had been fooled by his son.

 

After which the Good Samaritans proceeded to ditch _their_ tails as well.

 

Which meant that they would have to listen to Fury rant for at least another hour, if they were lucky.

 

God knows how the Cap and Stark managed to put up with the Brats, even though that was mainly virtually putting up with them.

 

He needed more coffee before he was going to be able to deal with this even a little bit.

**Author's Note:**

> And I think that concluded their adventures in New York! I have an idea for another one, don't think I'll be finishing this little series off just yet, but the New York one shot was starting to drag a little, as I didn't actually want it to become a full-blown cross-over!
> 
> As always, prompts are welcome! Can't promise I can write exactly what the prompt wants, but I'll try my best, unless the plot sharks take off with them...


End file.
